Archive for October, 2011

Doomsday Ministry’s New Prediction for End Of World – It’s Tomorrow!

October 28, 2011

In their most recent prediction for the end of the world, the Doomsday Ministry, formerly Christian radio broadcasting network, had predicted the end of the world, again. “We believe this is going to happen tomorrow”, said spokesman Jack Rightie Tightie. When asked if it doesn’t happen tomorrow, Jack had this to say, “Oh yes it […]

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McDonald’s McRib Examined by Chemist – It is Made of People!

October 25, 2011

In what can only be the biggest revelation about McDonald’s food since the McNugget was found to contain Chernobyl Chicken, scientists today announced that the tasty sandwich the McRib is actually made of left over humans. “It’s shocking really, why are all these human parts going into food?” said scientist Camille LeCamille, “I would have […]

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Adam Sandler To Play Angry Jewish Actor Who Makes Bad Movies

October 25, 2011

Adam Sandler reportedly in his next movie will play an angry Jewish actor who makes one bad movie after another. The plot is centered around a has been comic who once came up with a pretty snazzy fake Hanukkah song but now can’t seem to get a decent movie together. The types of roles the character, named […]

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Large Hadron Collider Smashes Atoms – Opens Portal To The Afterlife

October 24, 2011

In an amazing feat of scientific brilliance, members of the Large Hadron Collider have smashed so many atoms together they have opened a portal to the afterlife. Millions of undead were reported to be walking out of the collider and onto the streets of Geneva, Switzerland. When asked via satellite phone if the undead were […]

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New York City To Create Real Fashion Police – Will Arrest Anyone Wearing Last Year’s Prada

October 24, 2011

Mayor Bloomberg’s office released a statement today stating that it would begin to employ over 1,000 new officers of the law whose sworn duty will be to protect the public from fashion faux pas. “These brave men and women, who have been trained in all aspects of fashion, will be patrolling our streets to make […]

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Gaddfi’s Body Examined By Scientists – DNA Shows He Was Love Child of Sheep Farmer and Livestock!

October 24, 2011

In a stunning feat of investigative journalism, DNA samples of former dictator Muamma Gaddafi showed he was a half human half sheep crossbreed. “This explains a lot”, said long time oppressed citizen Adama Zarruq, “Whenever I walked by Gaddfi, he really smelled.” When questioned as to how such a scientific breakthrough was possible, Tomato Weekly […]

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World Debt Crisis Linked to Rich People Using Solid Gold Toilet Paper

October 24, 2011

Reports are now surfacing that the entire debt crisis around the world is being linked to a rich man’s club that’s stocked with solid gold toilet paper. Lead investigative journalist Miles Miles Milestone uncovered the richly decorated club while pursuing a separate story on whiskey choices for the rich. “I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said […]

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Tony Romo to Quit Football – Start Origami League

October 23, 2011

Tony Romo, quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, has announced his intentions to quit professional football and pursue his true calling in life, Origami. “Ever since I was a boy, I gami-ed. I just can’t stop thinking about it, so I’m going to go for it” said an emotional Romo. Origami, the art of folding little […]

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President Barack Obama’s Nationality Uncovered – He’s Assyrian!

October 23, 2011

In one of the boldest examples of investigative journalism on the planet, the Tomato Weekly has uncovered President Obama’s actual birth place and time. President Obama was actually born in the ancient country of Assyria some 2500 years ago. This Semitic Akkadian kingdom, which was dissolved in 600BC, was a home to armies who impaled […]

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Tom Cruise abandons Scientology for Vedism

October 23, 2011

Tom Cruise, well know celebrity and movie star, has announced to his most trusted inner circles that he is abandoning Scientology for Vedism. The Tomato Weekly has learned about this stunning revelation through the intrepid reporting of entertainment investigative news correspondent Hillary Hills Winklestein. Vedism, an ancient Indian religion, that is no long actively worshiped […]

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