Large Hadron Collider Smashes Atoms – Opens Portal To The Afterlife

October 24, 2011

In an amazing feat of scientific brilliance, members of the Large Hadron Collider have smashed so many atoms together they have opened a portal to the afterlife. Millions of undead were reported to be walking out of the collider and onto the streets of Geneva, Switzerland. When asked via satellite phone if the undead were eating human flesh, local visiting French citizen Pierre Flufloflonfluer had this to say, “No, they weren’t eating flesh, they were mostly looking for sex and alcohol.”

The Zombies apparently don’t want to eat flesh; they want to get their game on. Further reports have poured in of frolicking undead in city parks, gas stations and restrooms. City noise levels of the moaning dead have reach all-time highs and Switzerland is reportedly considering military action.

The Social, Humanitarian Cultural Affairs Committee of the UN objected to the use of the Military in a surprise, actually attended, session of the committee. When asked his thoughts, Committee members Alexander Roshamboyo had this to say, “Hey, look, our Committee actually gets to have a session? Cool!”

It’s still unclear just how the collider caused the rip in the fabric of space, time and common sense. The Tomato Weekly sent intrepid reporter Hans Gruber to investigate the anomaly from the inside out. Hans could be heard shouting “Excelsior” as plummeted to his death from the thirtieth floor of the Tomato Weekly HQ. We wish Hans well and expect a bang up story on his exit from the afterlife through the LHD.

NATO leaders have informed the Tomato that they are cordoning off Switzerland and the LHD until they can determine if the zombies are really sex zombies and not flesh eating zombies. General opinion on the street has been mixed with 60% of people polled wanting the zombies released and the other 40% wanting them to go back to being flesh eaters and bring zombie apocalypse.

 

Note: Polling done with a +- 80% error rate.

 

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