Tom Cruise abandons Scientology for Vedism

October 23, 2011

Tom Cruise, well know celebrity and movie star, has announced to his most trusted inner circles that he is abandoning Scientology for Vedism. The Tomato Weekly has learned about this stunning revelation through the intrepid reporting of entertainment investigative news correspondent Hillary Hills Winklestein.

Vedism, an ancient Indian religion, that is no long actively worshiped in any modern society, was reportedly chosen by Mr. Cruise for its strict dietary restrictions and harmonious relationship with the animal kingdom.

When cornered at a local bowling alley by our reporter Hillary Hills, Tom Cruise had this to say, “Look, I run 3 companies and need to eat a good meal, so I joined Vedism.”

When asked if Mr. Cruise meant “Veganism” he reportedly put on sun glasses, knee slide down a bowling lane and disappeared into where the pins go. It is not known if Mr. Cruise meant Vedism or Veganism or if he realizes there’s a difference. In the efforts to uncover the truth The Tomato Weekly consulted staff psychologist Debbie Dunklestien who had this to say, “It’s Tom Cruise, are you really shocked?

Thomas Bass, spokesman for the Veganism Church of North America and Everywhere Else, released the following statement:

“It is with great pride that we welcome Tom Cruise to our church. We are much less concerned about flying airplanes from space than eating a healthy diet of yummy veggies and delicious tofu. Welcome Tom! We have meeting halls in every Whole Foods. ”

“Not so Fast!” said William West, spokesman for the council of Veggies are Food that Food Eats. “It is completely within reason that Tom actually meant Veffeism, which if he did, he’s ours. Take that tofu lovers!”

End of the controversy? Not really. Fifteen other religions, pseudo religions, teenage clubs, hippie movements and political organizations that start with V have also thrown their hats in the ring for Tom to be a member.

“We are excited and thrilled to have Tom Hanks become a catholic,” said a representative for the Vatican Council. When told the actor was actually Tom Cruise the Vatican spokesman was reported to grin, nod, bless the reporter and leave. No further statements were released by the Vatican, and all members of the Tomato Weekly have been officially shunned. We regret this decision but abide by it, and frankly, understand it completely.

We will continue to pursue this story and update you when Mr. Cruise comes out from behind the pins and announces his new religions affiliation.

 

 

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