World Debt Crisis Linked to Rich People Using Solid Gold Toilet Paper

October 24, 2011

Reports are now surfacing that the entire debt crisis around the world is being linked to a rich man’s club that’s stocked with solid gold toilet paper. Lead investigative journalist Miles Miles Milestone uncovered the richly decorated club while pursuing a separate story on whiskey choices for the rich.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Milestone, “I was there, sitting, ready to ya know, wipe, and I reached over and touched gold. Literally, it was solid gold!”

Thinking quickly, Milestone took samples of the TP and brought it back to the Tomato Weekly to do testing. Sure enough, it was solid 14k gold shaved down into paper thin leaflets.

“I was also amazed at how soft and comforting it was. After I was done, uhm, using it, I had this overwhelming since of superiority and contentment. Like, not only was I the best in the world, it was ok and just for me to piss on people who have to use paper toilet paper.”

When asked for comment, owner of the club, who has threatened lawsuits if we revealed the name, stated “It’s not really gold, it’s gold plated paper. Get your facts straight!”

Well sir, let me tell you. We at the Tomato always get our facts straight. It’s solid gold, not gold plated paper. We also have testimony from Doctor Phyllis McPhyllis who had this to say, “By examining Mr. Milestone’s Anus, we have determined that the marks and subsequent rash can only be caused by pure gold, not gold plated anything.”

There you have it, definitive proof that solid gold has come into contact with our reporter’s rear end. We think it shameless that rich people have so much money they can wipe and flush it away. One can only up for a gold born virus that eats their anus’s forcing them to shat into plastic bags.

The authorities have informed us to inform our readers that digging in sewers for flushed gold toilet paper is trespassing on government property and to not attempt it.


October 2011
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