Hundreds of Plastic Male Genitalia Rain Down on the Bible Belt

December 3, 2012

In an accident of perverted proportions, a worldwide shipping company, who begged and bribed us not to be named, released their entire cargo over the midwestern United States today. The accident occurred when the chief officer on board, after having eaten over a hundred mushrooms at the airport salad bar, thought the airplane was sinking in water and felt he needed to evacuate, thus opening the cargo bay doors.

Unfortunately for the local church services, as it happens the accident did occur on a Sunday, the dildos, as they are commonly called, began raining down just as the day’s events were beginning. Sunday’s services also coincided with elders day, a local event where senior citizens are encouraged to come out to the church and partake in services and fun.

“It was just raining penises, it just wouldn’t stop, it was horrific,” bemoaned Esther, a local partitioner. “Some even fell into the punch bowl! It stained the tops red!”

Police and rescue were called to the scene to assist with multiple injuries, mostly from impact as the devices pelted people walking into the church.

“I didn’t think it was so bad,” said Melanie Mitchell Howard Helt, “I mean, sex with a plastic thing doesn’t really count, because its not a person, so you aren’t violating any of gods laws.”

Reports have come in that the amount of devices that fell from the airplane do not match the number recovered. Police are investigating the odd discrepancy.  The Tomato would like to remind its readers to always lookup occasionally. You never know when a flying rubber penis might pelt you in the face. Or then, maybe you do?

December 2012
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