Archive for January, 2013

Manti T’eo’s Girlfriend Comes Forward – I Am Real – But a 45 Year Old Man From Holland

January 18, 2013

Manti’s T’eo has been through the ringer in recent weeks. In what was at first tragic news that his girlfriend had died; it became even more so when Mr. T’eo realized she never even existed. Manti took the news lightheartedly but the Internet took it hysterically. Now, in a twist of titanic and transgendered proportions, Manti’s ex-girlfriend is […]

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Young George Clooney Threatens Lawsuit – I’m Not Garbage!

January 15, 2013

In a stunning turn of time travel trickery, young George Clooney has sent a letter to the Golden Globes complaining about being called ‘garbage’. “Look, i’m a reasonable guy, I just feel i’m not garbage. Old George Clooney is, well, old!” The Tomato attempted to contact middle age George Clooney but were unable. We did, […]

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New NRA Plan: A Hand Gun With Every Happy Meal!

January 15, 2013

In an effort to promote both safety and good health for our nation’s children, the NRA announced a partnership with a prominent national fast food retail chain to give away a gun with every happy meal. The deal, which NRA spokesman Gunny Gunserman said, “Will make us both safe and joyful,” will include a gun […]

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Lindsay Lohan Arrested While Drunk Driving – Drinks Own Pee in Prison

January 13, 2013

Linsday Lohan was arrested this afternoon on her way to the Golden Globe awards for drinking and driving. When placed in her cell at the county lockup she immediately insisted she needed another drink to celebrate the evening. When officers in the jail refused her requests for a beer she began attempting to drink her own urine. […]

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President Obama Signs Executive Order Delaying New Years by One Day

January 1, 2013

With the fiscal cliff looming in the very near future, President Obama signed an executive order delaying new years by one full day.When asked about the order President Obama had this to say,  “I will be adding one full day to the calendar year. December 32nd will be known as Congress Day in honor of […]

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