Archive for June, 2013

Westboro Baptist Church To Convert To Norse Religion

June 29, 2013

In a stunning move sure to send shock waves in extremists groups around the world, the Westboro Baptist Church has declared they are converting to Norse. “We really just wanted a religion where we could fully express our anger, hatred, intolerance and outrage,” said founding member Fred Phelps. “More importantly, we wanted to be able […]

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Supreme Court Rules: Gay People Are Actually People!

June 26, 2013

The Supreme Court of the United States ruled today that Gay People are in fact real people. The 5-4 ruling came today after both sides of the issue have been weighing in for months. Anti-gay people are people advocate, Rush Limbaugh had this to say, “Gay people are simply not people. They don’t choose to […]

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Wendy Davis Defends Woman’s Rights While CNN Reports Breaking News On Muffins

June 26, 2013

Wendy Davis, new hero to woman’s rights in Texas, and future Texan governor, pulled off an epic battle against OWM (old white men) party and defeated an attempt to close most of the state’s abortion clinics. Davis pulled off this upset with a powerhouse filibuster and throngs of supporters filling the Texas state legislature. Davis’s withstood constant attempts […]

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Bear Grylls Gets Lost in Macy’s – Nearly Dies Of Dehydration

June 25, 2013

Bear Grylls, internationally renowned survivalist, known for being dropped into the middle of no where and finding water inside anal cavities, has nearly died after a shopping trip to Macy’s. Store manager Mary Mary Contrary had this to say, “We saw him come in on a Friday but then he just got lost and disoriented. He refused help […]

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Fox News On Recent Supreme Court Ruling: Poor People Shouldn’t Vote Anyway

June 25, 2013

In a stunning statement, hosts on the Fox News morning show, Huey, Duey and Looney, today stated that Supreme Court ruling on the 1965 Voting Rights act was ok as poor people shouldn’t vote anyway. “Why are they voting? They are poor! Only rich people should vote, we pay the taxes, we have the say,” […]

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Discovery Channel Launches New Show: Naked Zombie Ice Road Trucking Housewives

June 25, 2013

Discovery channel announced today they would be launching a new show devoted to naked zombies, who drive trucks on ice roads, and are former Real Housewives stars from Orange County, New Jersey and Atlanta. “We’re really trying to hit our viewers on all levels. Zombies, nudeness, ice roads and housewives. It’s a trifecta of ratings […]

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Florida Man Shoots Self in Self-Defense – I Was Looking Very Threatening

June 24, 2013

A florida man has shot himself in the leg and shoulder after appearing to be too threatening to himself late last night. Mike Micky D Williams, of Middleofnowhere, Florida was detained and released this morning after officers concluded his shots were not to harm himself, he was in fact attempting to defend himself, from himself. […]

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Edward Snowden – From China to Russia: Traveling on the Freedom Trail

June 23, 2013

Edward Snowden has traveled from the tolerant and free press mecca of China to the country where freedom is synonymous with Siberia. The one time NSA contractor and soon to be guest at Leavenworth, getting the nations best 4 star treatment, has landed in Moscow today where hopes to not at all make it seem like he’s […]

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Dating Website Ashley Madison to Offer Human – Cat Cheating Site Catnups

June 22, 2013

Dating website Ashly Madison has announced they intend to help a large underserved group in society. “For years we have helped cheating spouses find that special disease free someone. Now, we look to help another underserved group in society. For far too long, cat lovers, who have had a long crush on a neighborhood kitty, have had no […]

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Congressman Paul Ryan: We Really Just Want To Bring Back Slavery

June 22, 2013

Congressman Paul Ryan today announced the true motivations behind both the GOP and the TEA party. “We are trying to bring us back to a point in the 1800’s. Slavery kinda worked. White men in control, telling people what to do and providing for all the people who just can’t provide for themselves,” said Congressman Ryan. Douglas D. D. […]

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