Archive for July, 2013

Darth Vader To L. Cheney: Liz You Are Not My Daugther

July 21, 2013

In a stunning move sure to set the Empire, Hollywood and American politics on fire, Darth Vader sent an intergalactic instagram to Liz Cheney, informing her that she is most certainly not his daughter. “Look, Liz, you’re evil and all, and I get that, and sure my family chokes out people, blows up space stations […]

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Florida Makes Stand Your Ground Mandatory – Not Shooting Now Criminal

July 14, 2013

In a stunning move of government oversight, Florida has just modified the Stand Your Ground law to be mandatory. What does this mean? Now, if you get threatened in any way you are legal obligated to shoot that person. Governor Rick Scott had this to say, “This is good for Florida. Now, if a citizen […]

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Zimmerman Found Not Guility – Shoots Prosecutor Leaving Court House

July 13, 2013

The Jury in the George Zimmerman trail have returned a verdict of Not Guilty. Mr. Zimmerman¬†immediately¬†ran out of the course house to a parked car, ran back inside and confronted the state prosecutor about how he has put his life through hell. “How dare you do this to me and take away my god given […]

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New Reporter, Jenny Jean Jones-Shlamazel, Joins the Tomato!

July 4, 2013

We are thrilled to announce a new reporter for the Tomato Weekly.¬†Jenny Jean Jones-Shlamazel joins us from parts unknown as our new political and international corespondent bringing you breaking news from half away around the world and as far out as Ur-anus. She has spent months in Chinese brothels, weeks in Japanese steam baths and […]

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