Papa John’s CEO, John Schnatter Threatens to Send A Pizza A Day To White House

October 29, 2013

In a stunning move of food-born threats, CEO and all around super evil rich person John Schnatter today stated he would start sending a pizza every hour to the White House if the Affordable Health Care law, also known as Obamacare, is not repealed.

“Look, Mr. President, I know what’s in our food. I know what it’s made of. Do you hear me? This shit is bad news. Repeal Obamacare or you better start getting stretchy pants,” Schnatter said. “Look what I’ve done to the NFL! Are most NFL fans skinny healthy people? No! They are fat tubs of shit eating MY pizzas! I just gave two million dollars worth of it away! And then, once the world has three stomachs and two chins, I’ll open my own stretchy pants factory staffed by ten year old workers in China and rule the world!”

“I think this may in fact be a case of a threat on a president’s life,” said long time Washington D.C. pundit James Carville. “Looky looky here. They put bad stuff in those pizzas man. I mean real bad. I wouldn’t be surprised if their pepperoni wasn’t made out of people! Not to mention the fact that Mr. Schnatter is a scumbag.”

The white house did not respond to comments, however, one source who refused to be named had this to say, “They wouldn’t eat it anyway, so it’s not a big deal. Because, you know, the President’s smart. I mean, who eats that crap?”

We reached out to John Schnatter to respond but were unable to locate him in his several thousand square foot estate. We did however order 37 Domino’s pizzas to be delivered to his doorstep. Enjoy it Johnny!

October 2013
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