Politics

Papa John’s CEO, John Schnatter Threatens to Send A Pizza A Day To White House

October 29, 2013

In a stunning move of food-born threats, CEO and all around super evil rich person John Schnatter today stated he would start sending a pizza every hour to the White House if the Affordable Health Care law, also known as Obamacare, is not repealed. “Look, Mr. President, I know what’s in our food. I know […]

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Darth Vader To L. Cheney: Liz You Are Not My Daugther

July 21, 2013

In a stunning move sure to set the Empire, Hollywood and American politics on fire, Darth Vader sent an intergalactic instagram to Liz Cheney, informing her that she is most certainly not his daughter. “Look, Liz, you’re evil and all, and I get that, and sure my family chokes out people, blows up space stations […]

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Wendy Davis Defends Woman’s Rights While CNN Reports Breaking News On Muffins

June 26, 2013

Wendy Davis, new hero to woman’s rights in Texas, and future Texan governor, pulled off an epic battle against OWM (old white men) party and defeated an attempt to close most of the state’s abortion clinics. Davis pulled off this upset with a powerhouse filibuster and throngs of supporters filling the Texas state legislature. Davis’s withstood constant attempts […]

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Congressman Paul Ryan: We Really Just Want To Bring Back Slavery

June 22, 2013

Congressman Paul Ryan today announced the true motivations behind both the GOP and the TEA party. “We are trying to bring us back to a point in the 1800’s. Slavery kinda worked. White men in control, telling people what to do and providing for all the people who just can’t provide for themselves,” said Congressman Ryan. Douglas D. D. […]

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Hillary Clinton to GOP ‘I am going to F*@# you up!’

June 20, 2013

Hillary Clinton today sent a message to the GOP when asked what she was going to do in 2016. Hillary responded, “Well, I can’t really tell you about my intentions for the White House as we aren’t sure yet. But no matter what my intentions are, I do plan on totally destroying the GOP. To […]

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GOP and Tea Party Members Declare ‘Old White Man Caused Problems Not Caused by Old White Men!’

June 2, 2013

In a move that is sure to defy even Bill O’Reilly’s common sense, well maybe not, the GOP have officially announced that old white men have done no wrong, ever! When asked about cases of old white men committing murder, rape, theft and every other crime imaginable, the GOP chancellor Renus Penis had this to […]

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President Obama Signs Executive Order Delaying New Years by One Day

January 1, 2013

With the fiscal cliff looming in the very near future, President Obama signed an executive order delaying new years by one full day.When asked about the order President Obama had this to say,  “I will be adding one full day to the calendar year. December 32nd will be known as Congress Day in honor of […]

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Senator Mitch McConnell Claims He Was Possessed By Barney Frank!

December 7, 2012

In a stunning revelation of paranormal implications, Senator Mitch McConnell claims that he was temporarily possessed by former Congressman Barney Frank yesterday. Senator McConnell states that he never actually proposed any such legislation on the debt ceiling and that he woke up in the middle of the Senate floor with a bill he didn’t write. […]

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Senator John McCain on Susan Rice – “She writes books on Vampires!”

December 1, 2012

John McCain appeared today on the weekly, biweekly, every-other-weekly, Tomato Politics and had this to say, “Recently, it’s come to my attention, see, I was walking in a book store and saw these books, about vampires. About sex. And you know who wrote them? A woman named Ms. Rice!” When probed whether or not it […]

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Famed Spelunking Expert Clive Cliverson Dives off Fiscal Cliff – Says There Are Cookies!

December 1, 2012

Famed cavern explorer Clive Cliverson today volunteered to jump off the fiscal cliff to see what was there. He was warned by many members of the Republican and Democratic parties that jumping off could lead to his doom. Undeterred, Clive leapt with a bottle of wine, walkie talking and a roll of quarters. When asked […]

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